I guess I just suddenly realized that my body did not react well to it anymore. I found myself forcing the smoke down to suppress something. I knew I was suppressing something, running away from something, looking for something all at once.Sometimes I told myself, and I really believed this, that I was smoking the herb to hear myself. Yes to an extent this is true, but the deeper truth is I could hear myself quite well without it.
I noticed that when I was high, my mind would spiral out of control with all of these thoughts that would shoot out of me from all corners of my head and I would find myself scribbling and scribbling away, but it never really amounted to much use. But I guess I enjoyed that state of exploring all of these thoughts and finding eureka moments in not-so-eureka moments.
I could never work high.
Instead I'd spend the time thinking and thinking some more.
What really got me was the fact that I was waking up to smoke first thing in the morning. Without a meal, without brushing my teeth, it was my first joy.
I of course would not call myself an addict and I most certainly would have described myself as a casual smoker. One blunt lasted me 2 days cause I always had to save a piece for the rainy day and I never learned to roll so access was kind of stiff for me.
However I was smoking nonetheless.
But I didn't like how I smelled afterwards.
I didn't like that I wasn't feeling my hustle fire as much.
It had been 3 years since I first ever got high and this time I was serious about quitting it.
I had quit before in the past, Picking up the blunt and dumping it in the bin, swearing to myself that it was over. Only to wake up the next day and file through the trash in search of it and light it up.This happened maybe twice before.
But this last time, I knew I was done.
Infact when I made the decision I picked up the last beautiful blunt and washed her down the drain.
I realized that I functioned better sober. I could never write anything I was proud of while High. Again, I never really smoked to work. I was smoking to get away.
I decided it was all part of the depression and it greatly reminded me of my depressive past.
It took me right back into those moments when I was so unproductive and all I wanted to do was smoke, eat, have sex, sleep.
I didn't like the feel of that old person and I sure as hell did not want to keep on being reminded of that dark past.
Letting it go had to become a choice that I made for myself.
Not to say "Oh I quit weed" for the sakes of saying it, but to actually say it and know that I did it for me, for my sanity, for my freedom from my past, from the pangs of depression.
Do I miss the high? Hell yeah I miss it! But it's been days without it now and I do not see myself craving it or needing the high. I do notice that I am slowly beginning to forget what it feels like to get high.
I guess it is true that it isn't addictive in the sense that most people can stop when they want to or take a break and go back when they want.
So why did I really stop?
It just really isn't my thing and I couldn't place my fingers simply on what good it did for me. Also lets face it, it was one of those things that filled my days when I was depressed.
I am no longer depressed, or should I say I am walking my way out of the depressive rut.
I am now daily reaching towards a more homely, serene life where I am daily making efforts to being one with my spirit and inner being. I am working my way towards becoming a more healthy and vibrant, energetic being of light.
If anything feels amiss I am sure to cut it off. And thats just what I did with the weed.
Would I maybe take a toke again? Maybe sometime in the far ahead future.
For now these are my steps towards making sure I dont't fall into the temptation of the hit that can occur when you are in the congregation of former toker friends.
1. Don't hang around the people you used to smoke with, or visit the places you used to visit to take a hit. Avoid them like a plague.
The easiest way to fall into the temptation of smoking again especially early on when you are trying to break the habit, is to be around anyone you used to smoke with.
I look forward to a freer happier me, for now, no weed but I'm high off life. And better for it.
This post is not intended to answer whether weed is good for you or not. This is something you would have to decide for yourself as a user. Know what works for you and be sure to listen to your Body at all times.
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